Growing Pains

Eight months? Seriously? Wow! I know I’ve said this before, but I really can’t believe I’ve taken so many months away from this little lovely blog. For so long writing was my therapy…and the only reason I stopped, honestly, was that so much of what I wanted to write would come out in jumbles and total ADD jargon. I’ll always admit to the fact that my mouth works faster than my brain and I say stuff unfiltered most of the time. But, in my writing I am free to edit and I haven’t wanted to edit much of what I thought lately I guess.

It’s been an interesting time of change for sure! Change often hurts, but we grow through pain and I’ve committed myself to a path of personal improvement in spite of hurt and irregardless of happiness. Emotions are wonderful things…but they can’t make decisions for you.

Maybe it’s because the warmer weather is slowly (way too slowly) working it’s way in…I’m a total summertime chicka…but a few days ago I felt my writing fairy tug on my sleeve a little. I was sitting at a ball park watching tiki tiki play a great game of baseball…and realized that the little fairy was buzzing very loudly in my ear. I love watching baseball…I don’t get tired of it. I also love watching Liam on the field…on the bench…anywhere near the field. He’s part of something really fun and really cool and he loves it. The excitement that he gets preparing for a game and the total meltdown that happens if he feels he didn’t do well afterwards are all so raw and real. We could all learn from him I think. As adults we’ve somehow learned to put on the “right” face instead of allowing ourselves the pleasure of just honestly feeling and letting go of both the good and bad so we can move on.

Colin is learning how to show his feelings too. Unlike Liam, who wears his heart on his sleeve, Colin has to be taught how to express those things. He has to be taught the words for the way he’s feeling. He can’t identify emotions the way others do…but he’s learning. This week (thanks to weeks of Social Skills therapy) he has been doling out hugs and ” I Love Yous” quite a bit. However….he announces them first. “Mommy…I’m going to come hug you and tell you I love you.” Then he sorta pats me on the back. Whatever! I’ll take it!!! Melts me. Sometimes it’s nice to know I’m more important at that moment than the plane, train or car he’s currently obsessing with.

This week, I finalized within myself the ability to not care too much what other people think of me. Not that I’m going to go do whatever I want no matter who gets hurt. Not at all. Just not going to worry about what I might imagine someone else’s opinion of me are. I had the privilege of hearing Darren Hardy speak last month. I took a lot of what he said away with me and slowly incorporate it into my daily activities. Most importantly he taught me not to be afriad of what other people will think. If they aren’t going to cry at my funeral…then they aren’t anyone to be afraid of.

In the meantime…I can’t wait for a fabulously fun summer! I’ll continue to foster my mild crush on Rob Thomas and keep dancing like a nut in my kitchen at night!

Peace

Netflix is sending me Farenheit 9/11 today in the mail. I may be the last person alive who hasn’t seen it. Andy (my dear hubby) had one simple statement to make when he heard it was coming. “It’ll probably really piss me off.” And it probably will. My peaceful, Mennonite thinking, “war is wrong” attitude lives juxtaposed with his veteran status and patriotic pride as an American. He doesn’t agree with the state of our current war in Iraq nor does he see the killing of innocent people as acceptable. He does, however, agree that war is an option and that America must defend itself. On this point, we may never agree, and we have decided that it’s best not to broach the subject very often. It causes quite a bit of dissention in an otherwise amazingly peaceful marriage.

Andy doesn’t understand that I am not proud of being an American. Living overseas all my life and looking back at my country of birth through the eyes of another nation probably contributed greatly to my overall view of the great USA. I do feel lucky to have been born here and to carry the privileges that brings. But, patriotic I am not. To me it seems there is a lot of anger wrapped up in patriotism.

We as a nation have not conducted ourselves very maturely for a few years now and what’s there to be proud of? We have more than anyone yet can’t be satisfied. We are slaves to fear. We possess the land as though it is ours to rape and wonder where the farmland went. We often declare ourselves a Christian nation and politicize God as though we are the chosen people and the rest of the world can go to hell.

So, when Farenheit 9/11 hits my DVD player, I’ll try to keep my mouth shut. I want to respect my husband’s feelings; I don’t have to agree. I just wonder what it takes to convince someone that other people’s children hurt just as easily as mine.