Post-It Note Tuesday

Tuesday again…one of my favorite blog days!

The following Post-Its are dedicated to my nearly 14-yr-old son Liam. He was reading through the last few months of my bloggy blog and remarked at the decidedly one-sided nature of much of what I’ve written. Yes, it’s true…I have spent much time discussing Colin and Liam felt that was unfair. He wanted his own page. He wanted some recognition. And so, he shall get some.

This child is amazingly funny, honest, kind and empathetic. He is reliable and trustworthy. He’s also quite the all-American boy and fairly airheaded.

And I love him madly.

And then, you can go read more post-its and make your own.

The End of Summer

School starts in two weeks. That means I have only one more true week of summer vacation. “Practice Week” begins on Monday the 23rd. Reacquainting Colin with a more rigid routine is not something I’m looking forward to, but it has to be done. When summer started, I told myself that keeping him in his normal morning routine (get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, take meds before tv or games) would be critical. Also, adhering to a regular bedtime would make it easier on him so he wouldn’t be tired during the day…which brings Tigger out in full force. Did any of that happen? Um…no. The only routine activity he’s clung to is reading the Sunday comics. “I only like the Sunday ones because they have color. The ones on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday are not in color and that means I don’t like them. They don’t make sense without the color.”

I think it took all of two days for me to sink into the joy of sleeping in and letting the kids get up without me. Colin won’t walk down the hall to the living room alone if no one is out there…so on mornings that he’s up first…he crawls in bed with me and turns the tv on. Actually, he doesn’t crawl in. He does this wild sort of run-jump-plop-scramble maneuver. Then, because he hasn’t had his meds yet, the stimming begins. That involves rubbing Mommy’s arms, playing with my elbows, touching my legs and putting his face two inches away from mine and asking “When are you getting up?” Not all that relaxing for me, but still.

The dumbest thing I did was not enforce his morning routine of getting dressed before anything else happens. By the end of last school year, Colin was finally at the place where he would get his clothing, socks and shoes on independently. Then, eat breakfast…brush teeth and THEN he could watch tv if time allowed. Guess what…he is still in his pjs as I write and it’s 10:30 a.m. So, Practice Week is gonna be tough. Adding to the stress is a new bus schedule, new bus route and new bus number. When I told Colin about this change…”I’m STUPIFIED!!”…was his only response, followed by flapping and spinning. Ugh.

Clearly I am not winning the Aspie Mother of the Year Award. But guess what? We had a fun summer! We stayed up late, swam in the dark, chased fireflies and ate lunch on the trampoline. We laughed a lot and grew a lot. So, my last official week of summer will be more of the same. I promise.

And only when I’m all happy and tired out from playing will I get back to filling out forms, scheduling therapies, IEP meetings, TSS set-up and enforcing routine. For now, we’re all just having too much fun…and I’m fine with that.

I’m About to Come Alive

Someday I’d like a life with some peace, tranquility and stability. I often find myself in constant flux; trying to do the right thing and make the world spin in a perfect orbit. I’ve managed for the last 20 years to narrow myself down into someone who wants to make sure that everyone is happy. That means they like me.

Well…I’m kinda done. Honestly, I’ve been “done” for awhile. A few months ago, a wise man told me I should do more to care for Myself and let other people deal with their own shit. Yes, he used the word “shit.” Yes, my insurance company paid him by the hour to help me sort through the complexities of the place I find myself in. But he was right. In the weeks that followed his mandate, I gave myself permission to be occasionally selfish. I’ve gone out with my friends more, had a few moments of “me” time and managed a whole week away from home with old friends. Yikes! But, it’s not enough. There’s still a lot of me left to reaquaint myself with. I miss me.

I watch my children intently. I don’t want them to make the same mistakes I did. I don’t want them to sell themselves short for the sake of the status quo or to just please others. But I’m afraid I’ve been teaching them that their job in life is to make sure no one gets mad. That is SO NOT cool.

So, from here on out it changes. When it’s just me and the kids hanging out for days this summer, I’ve tried to be nothing but real and honest with them. I’ve always had fun, got silly, carried on and let them explore who they are. But I haven’t modeled independance and I will, from now on out, make sure they begin to be okay in their own skin, regardless of who they think they have to please.

We live in this world to care for others and to love and nurture each person we are in contact with. But, it is not in anyone’s right to change you into someone who you don’t recognize and to manipulate you into someone that no longer thinks for themselves. I will not have my children engage in that life.

My baby boy, Colin, has brought out in all of us the need to look beyond ourselves and learn another world. Frankly, learn an entire new language…and in so doing has brought myself and my children to a place where we respect the preciousness of others and yet are now finding out how real we all are.

I have loved the following song for several years. It speaks of a hurting time between a man and a woman, but the lyrics can apply themselves to anyone who is about to realize that they’ve reached the place where they become who they really are. And the lead singer is pretty beautiful…so that doesn’t hurt!

To Blog or Not to

I can’t believe it’s been over two months since I added anything to this blog! My Writing Fairy constantly torments me with little things that I want to post here…but I’ve managed to ignore her. I’m not sure why I haven’t given in to the urge. I’ve stopped by often to see if people are still reading the stuff I’ve written, and amazingly…they have! I giggle every time I check to see what brings random people to this blog. Every day for nearly three-and-a-half years, someone somwhere enters a phrase like “Do women have nose hair” into their search engine…and pops to Divine Graffiti to read a post I wrote in 2007! Really? Are there that many people in the world worried about women’s nose hair? Apparently.

Maybe I’ve ignored The Fairy because it’s summer and I don’t have to worry about school and just simply set about enjoying this time. Last summer “pretty much sucked” as Liam puts it. This year I’ve tried to relax, have fun and enjoy my children. That will end and in a few weeks and they’ll be back in school.

For the first time in 14 years all of my children will be in full-day school. The house will seem eerie without anyone but me here for 8 hours…but guess what! I can’t wait!!! And, no, that does NOT make me a bad mom. I love my “me” time. A lot!

Soon we will be marking a very difficult anniversary. Charlie died almost a year ago. I just re-read my posts from that month. Such a different time than now. We’ll get through it.

My inbox has an email today from someone asking me when I’m going to start updating this blog again. Maybe I just did.