heartbreak and mommyness

Hiding away

Many days I feel my heart lurch in my chest. Really? This is what I signed up for?

Liam was my first biological child and there is no other feeling in the world than holding a helpless newborn in your arms. Taking him to the mall at Christmas that year nearly brought on anxiety attacks. I was sure someone would snatch him out of his stroller…he’s flimsy and floppy and wouldn’t be able to put up a fight…why is that man staring at us?

Sitting in my overstuffed armchair during the first month of his life I would sing “You Are My Sunshine” and weep when I got to the part of “Please don’t take my sunshine away.”

My first look at the fragility of new life and the dependance that this child would have on me for all his needs. I could do anything to him and he couldn’t fight back. My mother told me then that I had just opened my heart up to a world of love and a world of heartbreak. Shattered my heart into a million pieces.

Since then, he’s become an “A” student, great athlete, super support and one of my best friends. His sister, Erin, came along and managed to add a little girly to my life. I love her immensely.

That was over 13 years ago. I’m a seasoned MOM, right?

Now I watch Colin walking around the earth. All the feelings I had for Liam when he was born reared with each child, but poor Colin wasn’t number one or number two, so by the time he showed up I managed to sleep through the night pretty easily without anxiety. He slept next to my bed as an infant out of convenience rather than fear. I’m a master at nursing babies while I sleep. I actually left him alone in the other room while I cooked…never did that before. I assumed that with this child nothing could make me worry. Been there, done that…wrote the book.

Not so fast.

I listen to him more intently than ever. Each conversation we have is peppered with wierdness (for me, not him.) The desire to hear him tell me how is day was…what he liked…what bothered him…what made him laugh…I can’t tell you how I’d love to hear those things. Instead I get a play-by-play of certain aspects of his day and I’m made to guess which shaped table said things took place on. “Learning Stations” are his favorite thing but he’s really mad cause he has to miss some of that every day cause he’s pulled out to read to “some lady who wants me to tell her stuff.” Other than that, not much happens.

Or, he hides under tables with a grin on his face.

As he walks through his day and perseverates on certain things, I wonder if I’ll be able to channel that intelligence, that obsession into something wonderful and fun. I wish he’d “play” with me rather than order me to perform certain tasks that make his world right. The amazing Thomas the Tank Enginge set up in his room is less of a toy and more of a stim.

He’s flimsy and floppy and really in need of someone to guide him.

Throughout the day he runs to me for physical contact or validation. Bazillions of hugs and kisses. Today really sucked for him though. He woke up at 4:00 a.m. cause our back door was banging in the wind. Daddy’s away, so he managed to weasel his way into bed with me. At 6:00 I got up to get breakfast for Liam, so little shadow man followed me out to the kitchen. Then, he had a substitute for school. Not normal routine. Not great.

But right now, his big brother Liam is dressed in a bathing suit giving him a bath. It’s pretty cool. My worry for the next few years is that Colin might be bullied. He’ll be riduculed and teased. I’ll be fighting the teachers and schools every step of the way to make his academic learning a success. Therapies, teachers, counselors, doctors….

As Colin walks around I again feel that little lurch in my chest. It hurts. It’s not my heart breaking into a million pieces this time.

It’s my heart walking around outside of my body instead.


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sentiments
    Dec 04, 2009 @ 01:11:59

    Very nicely written.

    I laughed when you where describing how you where with your first. I remember yelling at my husband because he took his hand of the stroller to reach for something. He did not think anything wrong. I said “People steal babies!” Thanks for reminding me of that moment.


  2. Shivon
    Dec 04, 2009 @ 16:39:12

    While reading your blog I can’t help but notice the many similarities between our boys. Thank you for blogging, it has been so helpful to be able to relate to someone dealing with what we are 🙂 .
    “It’s my heart walking around outside of my body instead”<—perfectly said and so very true.


  3. embracingspirit
    Dec 07, 2009 @ 08:43:00

    Very well said…..awesome blog!


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