Private Tears

I probably shouldn’t blog this stuff, but I’m not sure where else to put it. Since people we know and are close to read my blog, it’s a little bit unnerving sometimes to bare my soul. But, writing is my therapy and this is my outlet. It’s personal, private stuff put out there for the world, I know that.

My daughter turned 9 years old a few weeks ago. She had been looking forward to this birthday like never before because finally we were giving her a birthday party. I broke my promise last year to let her have a party when she turned 8 and she had never quite forgiven me. Let me tell you, this 9th birthday party was to be the bomb!

This past Saturday, fifteen little third grade girls, my sons and one friend of Liams, three adults and two ice cream cakes were scheduled for a 1:00 pm start to a swim party at an indoor water park.  At 3:00 Saturday morning, Erin came to my room with a belly ache. By 6:30 she couldn’t stop crying and was so exhausted from no sleep. At 9:45 she puked. No fever, no illness, not a sign anywhere of germs or contagions.

By party time, she was “fine.” One small episode of barfing during the party (no one noticed), otherwise she did great and we all had a lot of fun! She scored some awesome presents, including five new Webkinz. I’m a little jealous; I only have three. After the party, she slept for awhile and then went to bed early. Slept all night on the floor of my office so she could be next to our room. The belly pain began again in the wee hours of Sunday, and she stayed home from church with her dad. By lunchtime, she was pink and perky and ready to go.

This hasn’t happened to her for a long time. She has abdominal migraines/cyclic vomiting and there’s no real explanation for what precipitates these episodes. Her belly aches do seem to be worse when she’s worried or if something really exciting is coming up. Like Christmas, dates with mom or…her birthday party.

These cycles, coupled with her violent temper worry us enough that we’re meeting with a counselor this week to see what she says. Play therapy. Erin doesn’t know yet and she won’t be going with us. This is for grown ups to talk. We are actually quite concerned about the road ahead for Erin and what we’re going to find out. She frustrated, angry, worried, overwhelmed and tired. She’s depressed. I was a clinical pediatric nurse long enough to know she’s not behaving “normally” for her age.

We’ve got a few good ideas as to what’s bugging her; we may never know for sure. Nothing is simple.  I know too well what depression’s murkiness feels like.  I also know that we can do nothing to fix this. God is fully in control.

What a long strange trip it’s going to be.

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9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. yeskids
    Apr 14, 2008 @ 11:23:31

    May God bless you as you walk through this time with your daughter. You did good in continuing through with the party. She may need to learn that is how her body acts to stress and/or excitement and learn how to cope with it.

    Each of us has something for which we need to learn coping skills.

    Reply

  2. David
    Apr 14, 2008 @ 16:50:48

    I have no magic words…

    I do know how much it hurts a parent when their children are hurting and how helpless we feel when there is nothing we can do. If only WE could take the pain in their place. Yes, God is in control and that brings a sense of peace, but it does not make me hurt less for what my child is going through. Much like God felt must have felt when his son was suffering. Not the same, I know, but it is one of the ways that He knows what we are suffering because He suffered and wept for His child, too. I’m rambling…I pray for God’s peace upon you and your daughter.

    David.

    Reply

  3. Lisa
    Apr 15, 2008 @ 12:34:51

    I just wanted to say that I know how hard it is to see our children suffer. I don’t think my heart has ever hurt before, not as it hurts when my kids struggle or are in pain. Parenthood truly is a journey like no other. Thanks for choosing to be vulnerable, it is an encouragement to others, to me. It is good to know we are not alone.

    Reply

  4. divinescribble
    Apr 15, 2008 @ 15:45:42

    Thanks for the encouragement people.

    And, Hey Lisa! Great website and blog btw. I didn’t know you were out there. I’ll add it to the blogroll if you don’t mind. 🙂

    Reply

  5. beinganddoing
    Apr 15, 2008 @ 19:32:31

    As a father who has walked with kids in grief after the loss of their birth mom, I can relate to the helpless feeling of not being sure what to do. I am so sorry Erin is going through this, but I am glad you guys are alert to the issues and will do whatever you can to empower her. be assured of my prayers.

    Peace,

    Leon

    Reply

  6. divinescribble
    Apr 15, 2008 @ 19:43:07

    Leon,
    I may need some REALLY strong coffee over the next few months, dude.

    Aud

    Reply

  7. beinganddoing
    Apr 16, 2008 @ 04:46:07

    Coming up!

    Reply

  8. dawn
    Apr 21, 2008 @ 22:32:51

    Audrey,

    You guys are amazing at picking up on things and really working on them. Sometimes I wonder if there are things we should be doing with our children (one in particular). It’s helpful to hear the ways you approach the struggles and I pray the Lord will give you the wisdom you need. We all need wisdom as parents, but also the reassurance, as you said, that God is ultimately in control. So we do the best we can.

    Thanks for sharing and we’ll be in prayer for her and you!

    Reply

  9. Lisa
    Apr 27, 2008 @ 14:13:38

    I don’t mind if you add it to the blog roll. Thanks for checking it out. It definitely tend to be mostly about my kids, so I hope it didn’t bore you too much… 🙂

    Reply

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